{"id":7713,"date":"2026-09-26T23:58:08","date_gmt":"2026-09-26T23:58:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.visiting-angels.co.uk\/cheshire-east\/?p=7713"},"modified":"2026-09-27T00:05:15","modified_gmt":"2026-09-27T00:05:15","slug":"arguing-with-someone-with-dementia","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.visiting-angels.co.uk\/cheshire-east\/arguing-with-someone-with-dementia\/","title":{"rendered":"Why arguing with someone who has dementia never works"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"7713\" class=\"elementor elementor-7713\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2607b910 e-flex e-con-boxed e-con e-parent\" data-id=\"2607b910\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-e-type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-con-inner\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-d2e8bff elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"d2e8bff\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<h3><b>Quick summary<\/b><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Correcting someone who has dementia does not bring the memory back. It tells them they are getting things wrong, which usually makes them more upset. What tends to work better is responding to the feeling behind what they are saying rather than the facts, then gently moving on to something else.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3><b>Why correcting does not work<\/b><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Because the problem is not a lack of information.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If your mum insists her own mother is coming to visit, telling her that her mother died thirty years ago does not restore the memory. It can mean she hears the news of the death as if for the first time, with all the grief that comes with it. Then she may forget again, and the same conversation happens tomorrow.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Correction also tends to feel like criticism. Someone who is already struggling to make sense of things hears that they are wrong, again, and responds the way most of us would: defensively, angrily, or by withdrawing.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3><b>What works better<\/b><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Three steps, in this order.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Notice the feeling.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> What is behind what they are saying? Worry, loneliness, boredom, fear, a need to feel useful.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Respond to that.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Not to the facts.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Redirect.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Move gently to something else: a drink, a walk, a photograph, a job to help with.<\/span><\/li><\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is sometimes called validation. It does not mean agreeing with everything or telling lies. It means accepting that the feeling is real, even when the facts are not.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3><b>What that sounds like<\/b><\/h3><p>\u00a0<\/p><table><thead><tr><th><p><b>They say<\/b><\/p><\/th><th><p><b>Tends to go badly<\/b><\/p><\/th><th><p><b>Tends to go better<\/b><\/p><\/th><\/tr><\/thead><tbody><tr><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;I need to get home to my mother&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;Your mother died years ago&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;You&#8217;re thinking about your mum. Tell me about her.&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><\/tr><tr><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;I have to go to work&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;You retired in 1990&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;You always worked hard. What did you do there?&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><\/tr><tr><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;Someone has stolen my purse&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;Nobody stole it, you&#8217;ve lost it again&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;That&#8217;s worrying. Let&#8217;s have a look together.&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><\/tr><tr><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;You never visit me&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;I was here yesterday&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;I&#8217;m glad I&#8217;m here now. Shall we have a cup of tea?&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><\/tr><tr><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;This isn&#8217;t my house&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;Of course it is, you&#8217;ve lived here forty years&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><td><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;It doesn&#8217;t feel like home right now. What would help?&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">None of these works every time, and the person may still be upset. They tend to go better more often than arguing does.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3><b>Is it lying?<\/b><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is the question families often find hardest.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Most of the time, you do not need to lie. Responding to the feeling, asking about the person they are missing, or redirecting to something else usually works without saying anything untrue.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Where people disagree is over whether a small untruth is ever kinder than a repeated painful truth, for example about a death. There is no single right answer, and different families and professionals take different views. What most agree on is that repeatedly breaking bad news that will be forgotten and relived rarely helps anyone.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3><b>Other things that help<\/b><\/h3><p>\u00a0<\/p><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Slow down.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> One idea at a time, short sentences, and time to answer.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Get down to their level<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and make eye contact, rather than talking from across the room.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Avoid quizzing.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> &#8220;Do you remember who I am?&#8221; can be frightening. &#8220;Hello Mum, it&#8217;s Sarah&#8221; is easier.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Watch your tone.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> People with dementia often read tone and body language long after words become difficult.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Give choices, but not too many.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> &#8220;Tea or coffee?&#8221; rather than &#8220;What would you like?&#8221;<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Check the basics.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Hearing aids in, glasses on, not hungry, not in pain, not needing the toilet. Distress often has a physical cause.<\/span><\/li><\/ul><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3><b>When they are angry or distressed<\/b><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Stay calm, even if you do not feel it. Give them space if they need it. Do not try to reason them out of it.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Look for the trigger. Distress in someone with dementia often has a cause they cannot put into words: pain, being too hot or cold, constipation, tiredness, too much noise, a need for the toilet. Behaviour is often communication.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If distress comes on suddenly or is very different from usual, think about delirium, which can have treatable causes such as an infection. The NHS advice is to seek urgent medical help if someone suddenly becomes confused (<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.nhs.uk\/symptoms\/confusion\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">NHS, Sudden confusion<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">).<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3><b>Looking after yourself<\/b><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You will argue sometimes. Everyone does. Being accused of stealing by your own mother, or not being recognised by your husband, is hard, and responding perfectly every time is not realistic.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Alzheimer&#8217;s Society&#8217;s support line is on 0333 150 3456. A carer&#8217;s assessment from the council is available to you in your own right, and Cheshire East Carers Hub supports family carers in Cheshire East.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3><b>Frequently asked questions<\/b><\/h3><p><b>Should I correct someone with dementia?<\/b><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Usually not. Correcting rarely restores the memory and often causes distress. Responding to the feeling and redirecting tends to work better.<\/span><\/p><p><b>What if what they are saying is dangerous?<\/b><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Safety comes first. If someone wants to drive or go out alone when it is not safe, you may need to act, but redirecting is usually more effective than an argument. &#8220;Let&#8217;s have a cup of tea first&#8221; can buy time.<\/span><\/p><p><b>They keep asking the same question. What do I do?<\/b><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Answer it calmly each time, as if it is the first time, because for them it may be. If a particular question keeps coming back, there is often a worry behind it that is worth addressing.<\/span><\/p><p><b>Why are they kinder to the carer than to me?<\/b><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Common and painful. People often let their guard down most with those closest to them, and family relationships carry history that a carer&#8217;s does not.<\/span><\/p><p><b>Where can I learn more?<\/b><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Alzheimer&#8217;s Society and Dementia UK both publish practical guides on communication, and some areas run courses for family carers. Ask the memory service what is available locally.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3><b>About Visiting Angels Cheshire East<\/b><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Visiting Angels Cheshire East provides care at home across Macclesfield, Wilmslow, Knutsford, Congleton, Alsager and the surrounding villages of East Cheshire, along with Buxton, Whaley Bridge and the Staffordshire Moorlands towns.<\/span><\/p><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Carers trained in dementia<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, alongside Parkinson&#8217;s, stroke recovery and complex care.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>You see the same faces.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Our carer turnover is 12 per cent, against a sector figure of 23.7 per cent (<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.skillsforcare.org.uk\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Skills for Care, 2025<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">). A familiar face helps more than almost anything with dementia.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>You choose your caregiver.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> You meet them before care starts, and if it is not right you say so and we send someone else.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>No visit is ever shorter than an hour.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Nobody with dementia does well being rushed.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Live-in care available<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, up to full time.<\/span><\/li><\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Iain wrote this about the help his mother receives:<\/span><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;Visiting Angels have been a great help to my mother with cleaning, shopping, taking her for walks and by simply keeping her company.&#8221;<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Iain Brook, Google review<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3><b>Not sure what you need yet? Start with a free assessment<\/b><\/h3><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Our free home care assessment is a visit at a time that suits you, with no obligation afterwards. In it we will:<\/span><\/p><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Work out what is actually difficult<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and which times of day, which is usually what a visit should be built around.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Talk through a realistic package<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and what it would cost.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Look at the money with you<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, including Attendance Allowance and the Council Tax disregard.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><b>Tell you honestly if you do not need us yet<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, or if someone else is a better fit.<\/span><\/li><\/ul><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you are finding the conversations harder and want some support at home, call us on 01625 720157. You can also <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.visiting-angels.co.uk\/cheshire-east\/enquire-now\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">send an enquiry<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and you can see <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.visiting-angels.co.uk\/cheshire-east\/services\/home-care-services\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">what our services cover<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Authored by Dr Haroon Ahmad, Managing Director, Visiting Angels Cheshire East.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Published 21 September 2026. Last updated 21 September 2026.<\/span><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This article is general information about communicating with someone who has dementia, not medical advice, and no substitute for advice from the memory service, GP or a dementia specialist. The author is a director of the company and is not acting in a clinical capacity, and Visiting Angels Cheshire East provides personal care at home rather than medical or nursing care. If someone becomes suddenly confused or distressed, seek urgent medical help. To the fullest extent permitted by law, GB Care at Home Ltd accepts no liability for any loss or injury arising from reliance on this article.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Quick summary Correcting someone who has dementia does not bring the memory back. It tells them they are getting things [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":81,"featured_media":7729,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"default","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"default","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"set","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[35,36],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7713","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-funding","category-blog"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Why arguing with someone who has dementia never works | Cheshire East<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Correcting someone does not bring the memory back. 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