Quick summary
Correcting someone who has dementia does not bring the memory back. It tells them they are getting things wrong, which usually makes them more upset. What tends to work better is responding to the feeling behind what they are saying rather than the facts, then gently moving on to something else.
Why correcting does not work
Because the problem is not a lack of information.
If your mum insists her own mother is coming to visit, telling her that her mother died thirty years ago does not restore the memory. It can mean she hears the news of the death as if for the first time, with all the grief that comes with it. Then she may forget again, and the same conversation happens tomorrow.
Correction also tends to feel like criticism. Someone who is already struggling to make sense of things hears that they are wrong, again, and responds the way most of us would: defensively, angrily, or by withdrawing.
What works better
Three steps, in this order.
- Notice the feeling. What is behind what they are saying? Worry, loneliness, boredom, fear, a need to feel useful.
- Respond to that. Not to the facts.
- Redirect. Move gently to something else: a drink, a walk, a photograph, a job to help with.
This is sometimes called validation. It does not mean agreeing with everything or telling lies. It means accepting that the feeling is real, even when the facts are not.
What that sounds like
They say | Tends to go badly | Tends to go better |
|---|---|---|
“I need to get home to my mother” | “Your mother died years ago” | “You’re thinking about your mum. Tell me about her.” |
“I have to go to work” | “You retired in 1990” | “You always worked hard. What did you do there?” |
“Someone has stolen my purse” | “Nobody stole it, you’ve lost it again” | “That’s worrying. Let’s have a look together.” |
“You never visit me” | “I was here yesterday” | “I’m glad I’m here now. Shall we have a cup of tea?” |
“This isn’t my house” | “Of course it is, you’ve lived here forty years” | “It doesn’t feel like home right now. What would help?” |
None of these works every time, and the person may still be upset. They tend to go better more often than arguing does.
Is it lying?
This is the question families often find hardest.
Most of the time, you do not need to lie. Responding to the feeling, asking about the person they are missing, or redirecting to something else usually works without saying anything untrue.
Where people disagree is over whether a small untruth is ever kinder than a repeated painful truth, for example about a death. There is no single right answer, and different families and professionals take different views. What most agree on is that repeatedly breaking bad news that will be forgotten and relived rarely helps anyone.
Other things that help
- Slow down. One idea at a time, short sentences, and time to answer.
- Get down to their level and make eye contact, rather than talking from across the room.
- Avoid quizzing. “Do you remember who I am?” can be frightening. “Hello Mum, it’s Sarah” is easier.
- Watch your tone. People with dementia often read tone and body language long after words become difficult.
- Give choices, but not too many. “Tea or coffee?” rather than “What would you like?”
- Check the basics. Hearing aids in, glasses on, not hungry, not in pain, not needing the toilet. Distress often has a physical cause.
When they are angry or distressed
Stay calm, even if you do not feel it. Give them space if they need it. Do not try to reason them out of it.
Look for the trigger. Distress in someone with dementia often has a cause they cannot put into words: pain, being too hot or cold, constipation, tiredness, too much noise, a need for the toilet. Behaviour is often communication.
If distress comes on suddenly or is very different from usual, think about delirium, which can have treatable causes such as an infection. The NHS advice is to seek urgent medical help if someone suddenly becomes confused (NHS, Sudden confusion).
Looking after yourself
You will argue sometimes. Everyone does. Being accused of stealing by your own mother, or not being recognised by your husband, is hard, and responding perfectly every time is not realistic.
Alzheimer’s Society’s support line is on 0333 150 3456. A carer’s assessment from the council is available to you in your own right, and Cheshire East Carers Hub supports family carers in Cheshire East.
Frequently asked questions
Should I correct someone with dementia?
Usually not. Correcting rarely restores the memory and often causes distress. Responding to the feeling and redirecting tends to work better.
What if what they are saying is dangerous?
Safety comes first. If someone wants to drive or go out alone when it is not safe, you may need to act, but redirecting is usually more effective than an argument. “Let’s have a cup of tea first” can buy time.
They keep asking the same question. What do I do?
Answer it calmly each time, as if it is the first time, because for them it may be. If a particular question keeps coming back, there is often a worry behind it that is worth addressing.
Why are they kinder to the carer than to me?
Common and painful. People often let their guard down most with those closest to them, and family relationships carry history that a carer’s does not.
Where can I learn more?
Alzheimer’s Society and Dementia UK both publish practical guides on communication, and some areas run courses for family carers. Ask the memory service what is available locally.
About Visiting Angels Cheshire East
Visiting Angels Cheshire East provides care at home across Macclesfield, Wilmslow, Knutsford, Congleton, Alsager and the surrounding villages of East Cheshire, along with Buxton, Whaley Bridge and the Staffordshire Moorlands towns.
- Carers trained in dementia, alongside Parkinson’s, stroke recovery and complex care.
- You see the same faces. Our carer turnover is 12 per cent, against a sector figure of 23.7 per cent (Skills for Care, 2025). A familiar face helps more than almost anything with dementia.
- You choose your caregiver. You meet them before care starts, and if it is not right you say so and we send someone else.
- No visit is ever shorter than an hour. Nobody with dementia does well being rushed.
- Live-in care available, up to full time.
Iain wrote this about the help his mother receives:
“Visiting Angels have been a great help to my mother with cleaning, shopping, taking her for walks and by simply keeping her company.”
Iain Brook, Google review
Not sure what you need yet? Start with a free assessment
Our free home care assessment is a visit at a time that suits you, with no obligation afterwards. In it we will:
- Work out what is actually difficult, and which times of day, which is usually what a visit should be built around.
- Talk through a realistic package, and what it would cost.
- Look at the money with you, including Attendance Allowance and the Council Tax disregard.
- Tell you honestly if you do not need us yet, or if someone else is a better fit.
If you are finding the conversations harder and want some support at home, call us on 01625 720157. You can also send an enquiry, and you can see what our services cover.
Authored by Dr Haroon Ahmad, Managing Director, Visiting Angels Cheshire East.
Published 21 September 2026. Last updated 21 September 2026.
This article is general information about communicating with someone who has dementia, not medical advice, and no substitute for advice from the memory service, GP or a dementia specialist. The author is a director of the company and is not acting in a clinical capacity, and Visiting Angels Cheshire East provides personal care at home rather than medical or nursing care. If someone becomes suddenly confused or distressed, seek urgent medical help. To the fullest extent permitted by law, GB Care at Home Ltd accepts no liability for any loss or injury arising from reliance on this article.
